“If You Think of All Of Those Things You’ve Got Two Very Different Things Going On In Your Mind”

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Ever wondered why you and your partner never talk about race or the less commonly discussed topic of a potential mate’s family? We asked “90’s Dating Expert” Penny Hardesty.

“Okay so think about this, this is big, let’s take out the word ‘black’ for two seconds. Let’s take out the word ‘white’ for a second. So with the word, let’s take out the word ‘black’ now lets take out the word ‘white’ now there’s a little bit of difference there, a little bit of a tension there, a lot of things that you’re sitting here talking about. Now if you think about these exact two nouns, now let’s look at each one of those two nouns there’s two different things going on. Well we use the word black it’s like we hate people that are black. Well we don’t think that about white people, we think that about every other race because there’s been thousands and thousands of years of the same scenario. So when you look at the word black in your vocabulary you’re kind of thinking of people that have this connotation. And when you think about white you don’t think of this history you don’t think of a different race because there’s no white race, there’s a very different group of people. So if you try to think of all of those things you’ve got two very different things going on in your mind and when you bring those two together, you ask the question, okay, if you were dating somebody and you were dating somebody that’s black are they so close to you, are they so far away? They’re like your best friend. Is this person with you in the same way that I am? And if the answer is yes to all of those things, you really need to ask yourself are you inauthentic, are you bringing your real self into the relationship? Are you bringing all your good qualities into the relationship or are you bringing none of them in because you think you’re looking for a perfection? Or if you think you’re looking for somebody that fits your profile, well you may have a great profile, but are you looking for somebody you can do the exact same things with but you are going to come from two different worlds and in essence you’re bringing a ’40 somethings novel’ to a very difficult relationship, so if you’re bringing all of your good qualities, all of your quirks, all of your awkwardness, all of your missteps, your insecurities in a relationship with someone that’s from a different world, it’s going to challenge you in a way that you just can’t do it anymore.”

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